I have a shared note with my friend where we sometimes add in entries whenever we want to. I wanted to share a small part of one of my entries here.

4/1/24

“I wish I could be so light that I could skip across lakes filled with lily pads. I would float up into the sky and disappear forever. Or I wish I could be so heavy that I could sink to the deepest layer of the earth. Quiet, tucked away, and still. My body and mind are too confused with being too many things at once. I want to only have one purpose in my life. I wish I was a refrigerator. Cool, quiet, and peaceful. I would hum gently to let the people who use me know I am still working and functional. I am here for you. I am here I would say through the electronic vibrations. I am here.”

At the time I was thinking a lot about one of my favorite movies. I’m a Cyborg, But That’s OK is a Korean film directed by Park Chan-wook. Although I watched the film a while ago, it has stayed in my mind ever since I saw it. Park Chan-wook is one of my favorite directors when it comes to hard hitting, uncomfortably unique movies. But this movie was a pleasant surprise mixed in with the rest of his dark vengeful films. I think this letterboxd review describes this movie the best:

“I lick batteries for lunch, but that’s OK. If organic material gets inside my system, I’ll break down. That’s why miss Gop-dahn voluntarily eats my food for me.

My granny left her dentures behind before being hospitalized, but that’s OK. With it’s help, I can converse with other electric appliances around me. (The coffee machine says “hi”)

The nurses insert tubes into my nose, but that’s OK. Once I uninstall the sympathy inside me, I’ll make sure they’re all dead. I’m still working on the uninstalling part though, all the nurses have their own grannies and I don’t want to give them trouble. The grannies are innocent.

I’m a cyborg, but that’s OK. I have a thief by my side. A guardian angel to protect me. To feed me and kiss me and teach me how to fly by rubbing a pair of socks together.

I don’t know what the future holds for us, but that’s OK. At this moment, us embracing under the rainbow, I felt true happiness for the first time. Maybe it’s perfectly acceptable for us to simply exist without a purpose. Mommy, granny, don’t worry about me. I’m safe now.”

I’m a Cyborg, But That’s OK stands out from the rest of Park Chan-wook’s filmography, and in my opinion in one of the best ways. This movie in comparison has a resemblance to a Wes Anderson film, or some other “quirky” romance movie such as 2001 Amélie or 2008 Love Exposure. Although I don’t want to give away too much about this movie… (Please! Just go watch it! It gets my highest recommendation!) it somehow finds a great balance between light-hearted laughter, somber reality, and surrealism. The portrayal of mental illness is dark, yet there is a positive message shining through. Even though the viewers may feel disconnected from the movie’s characters, by the end, it all feels authentic and relatable. And personally, I believe that the world could benefit from more of precisely that.

I fear that I’ve gone about my whole life shaming myself for my feelings. I too wish I was a cyborg, running on electricity and wires. I would find comfort in the cold metal inside of me. I fear that my empathy will be the bane of my existence and that the love I have for everything is something to feel ashamed for. I still struggle with being my complete honest self, and sometimes I doubt myself into thinking that that isn’t the real me. That I just picked and gathered pieces of people who I loved along the way and made them into a human shaped ball that inhabits my body. I try my hardest to live my life feeling everything I can but sometimes it can get too much.

My thoughts remind me of how painfully amazing and real everything is. I’m human and I can feel everything. I’m here, I’m here. Im here and it’s so beautiful.