You’re not touching. You’re not together, not so much together.

You’re playing chicken, thats what the two of you are doing, two angels playing chicken. You’re getting ready to depart for separate appointments in separate directions. You’re getting ready and you’re hesitating. A hesitation waltz. You want to see who departs first, becomes disappeared first. Who cries and pushes toward the door. You want to see who cries out please don’t go first.

Lately my notes app has been consisting of past breakfast orders and breathing techniques. Broken poems and new hiking locations. 

Whole smoked salmon on burnt everything bagel 

Singing helps stimulate the vagus nerve

Songs I like to sing: Plastic love by mariya takeuchi

Columbia River gorge 

Sometimes I wish I could dim the lights darker

I currently have a sore throat and I’m drinking tea in my room. I’m upset. Clearly. 

My mom approached me the other day and told me that she’s worried about me moving far away. I have never told her that I want to do this, but I think she knows that I know that in my heart, that’s true. I know that there isn’t much for me here anymore. Everything feels misplaced. Misspoken. Missed opportunities and missed texts. Sometimes I wonder what I’d say if I answered. The deafening call from the other side of the wall. Just far away enough to be out of sight, but you can see it expanding and contracting. Rising and falling like your chest did. 

Recently I got hit on by a girl. I feel that hasn’t happened in a while. I’ve been really trying to get out of my comfort zone lately. Parties and clubs are really not something I thought I’d enjoy but alas I keep being proven wrong and I hate it!! I loved going out and meeting new people. This is just to show I need to do “scary” things just to realize I love them. And that they’re not scary at all. Fuck my life. Fuck my fucking life. 

I hate it when I get like this because I truly feel unstoppable. Unconquerable and indestructible. No, I’m not manic. That doesn’t apply to me. Yes, I’m just happy I have such amazing friends in my life who present me with opportunities in this world. A glimpse into nightlife I have only seen flash photography images of. It was beautiful, honestly. All of it was alluring and exciting. 

Now I’m back home writing this, with a sore throat that I mentioned above and I feel as if time slooowllly came to a stop. Its raining hard outside my window. It sounds like I’m inside an ocean. I don’t want to live this life in fear. I know if I try I can reach the sky.

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