Vanilla sky

Pale and cold

like it has menthol in it

Walking around

迷子の子猫

The music has taken over my body

My bruises feel like a hot commodity

Apricity, 夏に憧れ

泣いて、泣いて、泣いて

I’ve noticed that the deepest reflections in my life somehow always occur when summer is turning over into fall.

This time last year, I was happy. Happy for my friends, my boyfriend at the time, and my life in general. The love that I had for everyone and everything around me felt exuberant. Never-ending blazing burns across a field of endless hope.

We all know that happiness as a whole is a cycle of waxing and waning. Some days, that deep pressure in your chest just wont seem to lift, whilst others seem so bright and spectacular you could move mountains. I used to struggle with this thought especially: Any positive moment is merely temporary.

However, I’ve come to a conclusion recently.

In all of my years of suffering and happiness, this feeling of hopefulness always seems to come back to me.

“ I can only tell you about yourself as much as I can face about myself. And this has happened to everybody who’s tried to live. You go through life for a long time thinking, no one has ever suffered the way I’ve suffered, my God, my God. And then you realize — You read something or you hear something, and you realize that your suffering does not isolate you; your suffering is your bridge. Many people have suffered before you, many people are suffering around you and always will, and all you can do is bring, hopefully, a little light into that suffering. Enough light so that the person who is suffering can begin to comprehend his suffering and begin to live with it and begin to change it, change the situation. We don’t change anything; all we can do is invest people with the morale to change it for themselves.”

James Baldwin

My first year entering my twenties is coming to a close. I feel I’ve learned lots but also nothing at all. Is anything temporary if it always seems to come back to you? We as humans never truly lose. Loss and gain truly is the same (dg ref lol) and sometimes we seem to forget that. I have known loss all of my life, but on the other hand, I have gained everything and so much more. I currently have a heart shaped balloon floating around my room. Theres three bouquets strewn about on my dresser and desk. I can sit in front of the mirror and count all of my tribulations from memory and yet, I can’t seem to look back at them in a negative light. Everything leading up to this moment in my life has made me a better person. I am empathetic and kind, I am resilient and genuine. Hopefulness is not merely a feeling. Its a fundamental part of who I am as a person, and I hope that my aspirations will rub off on anyone who is reading this. Despite everything, you’re here, and thats so beautiful.

I’d like to end this short post off with an entry on the blog Ask Polly, written by Heather Havrilesky

“But this morning I felt a little sad for no reason. I felt lonely. Sometimes I feel like I can’t get anyone in my life to meet me where I am. I want to share my intensity with other people and connect with them on some warped, poetic landscape, and that’s just a hard thing to pull off. I probably need to see my novelist friend more often, because she’s easier to meet on that terrain. I probably need to invite my very emotional writer friend to visit soon, because she lives on that landscape — and often suffers for it.

Life doesn’t become easy and stay that way. Life can get easier. But when you’re a sensitive, moody, strange, mortal human on this planet, you never turn into a ball of light and magic that floats above the world. The very common perception that this is how it works for those with good careers and some money to spend couldn’t be more warped. I know tons of people who have a lot and they’re still deeply lost. I know people with a lot of love in their lives and their deeply ingrained loneliness or depression or anxiety just doesn’t seem to lift, no matter what they do. And they blame themselves for it…

That’s what connects you and this busybody couple and me and everyone else alive. Every single day, we turn our backs on the heaven inside of us. We close our eyes to the miles of open ocean in front of us, in order to focus on small, dark rooms inside our minds. Until you can feel how full of brilliant light you are, every goddamn day, until you refuse to define yourself and your life as pathetic, you will never have a truly seaworthy boat to keep you above that lake of shit.

So now I’m crying for you right here in paradise, but it feels good to cry for you and for me and this petty woman and her dumb suggestible husband. Compassion turns a lake of shit into the open ocean. Forgiving yourself, every day, every minute, every second, builds you a seaworthy boat. You can have everything you want. Believe that, because it’s true. Your fate is far from sealed. But you cannot build this boat out of dollar bills or love or status or rage or blame. You will sink. You have to build it out of forgiveness. You have to build it out of love for yourself and everyone else in the world. They are much more like you than you think they are. They need love just as much as you do, too, even when they look like they have more love than they can stand. We all need more love, every minute. Believe that. That’s the heaven inside of us talking. Heaven wants us to look past this scary, sordid hour and recognize the divine in each other’s eyes.

Now I’m back in my hotel room, and outside, there are gardeners trimming tropical plants together, and they’re talking and laughing as birds around them chirp and sing. Question everything you know. Question all of your assumptions. Look for heaven.”

Thank you for everything, truly.